an old friend.
I had an old friend reach out to me right before I had Owen. Mind you, we haven’t spoken in years. We were the best of friends. Well, it was more of a love hate relationship. More so hate if I’m being honest. It is hard to even remember what life was like with her because it’s been so long since we’ve been in touch. But what do you know, she’s back. Many of you probably know her, many of you probably have her as a mutual friend, many of you probably struggle to maintain your friendship with her and that’s okay, clearly I do too. She is hard to predict. She isn’t the best of friend that’s for sure. She makes you second guess yourself practically all the time. She gives you adrenaline in the worst type of way and she somehow always manages to sneak into your life when you least expect it.
After having Owen, my heart was more full than I could possibly imagine. I mean, my little guy was finally here after carrying him in my belly for so long. All my curiosities about what he looked like, how big he was going to be, his little face, it was all finally here. Right in front of my eyes. How could I be anything else but out of this world happy? All I could do was feel so absolutely complete. He’s the most handsome human I have ever seen. You sail through these 9 months preparing for a chapter that will be open for the rest of your life. A chapter you want to be perfect and full of live. After all, you are creating one. Am I right?
I sat down in the shower many times while pregnant, with the hot water running all over me, crying. It was my place of comfort, warmth and safety. It just felt right to let it all out in the steam. Hormoneeees. I would always think about how I want nothing more than to be a mother. A good one. The best one. Then my mind would often shift and fill up with the “what if’s.” You can’t help it because you’re about to embark on something brand new. Something you have almost no experience with. Now, I was a nanny for many years. Watching families with 2+ kids usually. Heck, one of my families I cared for were twins! Talk about having your hands full. It was so much fun though. Regardless of the experience I have had with kids, it is nothing like caring for your own. You try to paint a perfect Pinterest board when you’re feeling the exact opposite. It’s chaotic, overwhelming, frustrating, exciting. I mean, you’re about to have a baby come out of you! What is scarier than the sound of that, c’mon. It’s are to feel like the weight is all on your shoulders because YOU are the one birthing this child. It’s like you’re leading the ship here. It’s a hard to maintain balance with it all. It’s probably the most terrifying yet rewarding thing you’ve ever done thus far. All these mixed emotions make it hard for you to know what and when to feel.
Now who is this friend you’re asking? It’s Anxiety. With a capital A.
Throughout my pregnancy and now into post partum, my anxiety has not subsided. Many days it feels worse post than it did pre. It’s okay to feel 6 different emotions at once, you’re human. Our bodies are capable of many beautiful things and I don’t blame you for feeling like a basket case. But I can assure you, you will be just fine.
I wanted this post to be my first most transparent post to start off my blog. It’s something that I know many of you can and will relate and in hopes you will share this message as well. It’s okay to feel like an unorganized spice cupboard or like a lost matched sock that sits on the dryer for months at a time. What matters is the perspective you have to each situation, how you apply it to yourself and always have your best interest over anything else. When you thrive, everything around your thrives. It’s the way you choose to support yourself. Surround yourself with support that know how to deal with your needs, too. It’s heavy carrying yesterday around. Deep breaths. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale out the mouth for 8. Try it now, thank me later.
Here’s to healthy mamas!
